This post is deeply personal to me, it brings me back to a period when I was a serious depraved individual. I’ve written this so that I never have to go back there and to warn YOU the reader away from ever going there.

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  1. Whenever I drank I used to have an unquenchable sexual appetite, so much so that I’d pretend to be a wild animal and start drinking out of toilets.
  2. I used to have this thing for crapping in closets. Once my wife caught me taking a huge steamer over all of her clothes and she threw me out of the house and didn’t let me back in until morning.
  3. I became an Atheist one time after drinking a quart of Vodka and went into a Christian chatroom pretending to be the devil, declaring that everyone inside were ‘faggots’, ‘harloting liars’ and ‘potential bum rapists’.
  4. I had no qualms about urinating on other people’s property. One time my buddy Lithman gave me a lift home and I just whipped out my nozzle and started urinating in the back seat of his car. Christ, I was worse than a damn hobo back then.
  5. I loved shoplifting when under the influence too. Only I wouldn’t steal expensive items. I’d normally just end up stealing 10, 30 cent candy bars. Either way, theft is theft under God’s eyes and there’s absolutely no excuse for it.